Falling Into Love
Sunday 16th June

It turned out to be a really nice day. The Rose Queen, that is. It must've been the thirteenth one I've been to and every year it turns out to be better than I expect. I remember last year - it was a great day. I met a really nice guy called Dylan and you know what I'm like, I was of course on the lookout for him again!! He seemed like a really genuine guy compared to some of the usual trash I always seem to end up with. Well it turned out that Dylan wasn't there, but Jenny, one of my best friends, and I met a really nice guy called Sean. They actually work for the same company, which was kind of weird. I nearly asked Sean for his number but in the end I didn't because he lives on Anglesey.

I can't understand what it is at all but whenever I go back to Gawsworth School I seem to meet really great guys. Obviously Daniel! Ah young romance!! My first proper boyfriend - it was great while it lasted but I just don't think we were destined to be together. But ever since I found out he cheated on me, I've been hoping to bump into him again. I'm not entirely sure why though. I think it's got something to do with showing him what he's missing but it's hard to figure out what goes on inside this head of mine sometimes.

I remember the guy my best friend's sister, Jenna and I met at the bonfire in January. Lee, I think his name was. Really attractive but we just lost touch. He lived a long way away too. Maybe I'm cursed! I saw Jenna today actually. She told me that she was going out with Adam, the babysitter from the other night. I hate to say it but at times she comes across as a bit of a slag. Carly (also known as Curl!), her sister and my best friend of 11 years told me that she only broke up with James a week ago. I know she is really pretty and at times I've been quite jealous of her but I don't think I'd want her life. To be honest, she seems a bit mixed-up to me.

I'll tell you who else I saw at the Rose Queen, Lee from primary school! He didn't even say hi to me! Jenny came rushing up to me and said:
"Oh my God, you'll never guess what?"
"What?"
"Mingie is here!!"

Of course I had to ask who Mingie was and it turned out to be Lee, which I found really funny. It turns out that he goes to the gym with her and her friend Katie. I'm not entirely sure why but she persuaded me to go and talk to him so we both sidled up and asked him what his friend, Chris's number was for Katie. I think it's about all we can manage!


Monday 17th June

I am so cross. I can't believe Chris, my boss at work. Last week he told me that if I didn't try harder, I would be out of a job and now he's offered my job to David, my ex-boyfriend (and good friend)! I really am thinking about quitting. Vicky, another good friend, told me that I should tell Mum and Dad but I really don't think it's such a great idea. I know what they're like. Especially Mum. Once she gets something in her head, she won't let it go. Some people really do drive me mad.


Tuesday 18th June

Why can't everyone just leave me alone? It really does wind me up sometimes. My life is crap enough without other people sticking their noses in. I can't believe Vicky persuaded me to tell Mum and Dad. What did I say? I knew it was a mistake as soon as I blurted it out. I was just so cross with everyone. I've been suffering the bloody consequences for over an hour.

Anyway, so my life sucks!


Thursday 20th June

Wow, today and yesterday I've felt so much better than the past week or so. I was so depressed all over stupid Chris. I've made a vow to make sure I don't get worked up and worried about all these stupid little things that happen. I've just realised that I can cope with things and I don't always have to get so stressed.

It's the World Cup game tomorrow. I've got a feeling that the game will either go our way or it won't. I don't think it'll be close.

There's a guy on television called Alex and I think he's my ideal man!! Haha! He's 23 and absolutely gorgeous. He's so sweet and funny. Everyone seems to think he's gay but I don't think so. He is a little camp but I think he's straight. He says he is anyway. And I'm so grateful. I really don't know what it is with gay men but I can spot them a mile off and they're always the ones I end up falling for! Take Ben Short for instance - I fell for him in year 7 when he was in the Lower 6th. Absolutely gorgeous bloke and because I'd never met anyone who I knew was gay before I just presumed he was straight. I can remember the night of the Christmas Disco when Carly, Vicky and Holly, my best friends at the time, got him to dance with me. I thought I was in heaven! But to him I must've just seemed like a little girl. I don't even know him anymore though so what does it matter?!

Sunday 23rd June

England were beaten by Brazil! Everyone came round here and watched the match. It was such a shame they lost but everyone has their bad moments don't they? Everyone was blaming David Seaman but it wasn't his fault, I felt really sorry for him at the end. He looked like he was about to break down in tears.

Last night Curl and Jenny came round to watch "Four Weddings And A Funeral". It was quite good but no one seemed to be paying any attention apart from me. Hannah, my sister, had Amy, her friend, round too. Amy and Jenny sat and sent text messages all evening. It turns out that Jen has got Mingie's number. Or from what she said, he got hers. I spoke to him on the phone and tried to describe who I was. I asked him if he had any mates for me and he seemed a little surprised but told me he had a few who might be interested.

Today I went round to Jenny's. I was a bit nervous before I went because I'd never been to her house before. I can't believe I've never been to her house after knowing her as a friend for over a year, but I did today. It reminds me a lot of our old house. They've got a huge bathroom, which is gorgeous. I wish we still had our old bathroom. I'd like to take a look around our old house now and see what's changed. It'd be really fun I think. But then maybe I'd be upset that things weren't the same anymore.

Anyway, while I was round at Jenny's, Mingie text and rang her several times and after a lot of persuading on my part she finally agreed to meet him. I tried to get him to bring a friend but he said they were all busy. So it was Jen, Mingie and I. And we sat on the footpath by the shops and had a really interesting conversation about absolutely bugger all! I played gooseberry to them both but I don't think Jen is really ready for a relationship with anyone let alone him. I mean, she calls him Mingie for God's sake. He actually seems a bit needy to be honest. I asked him about his mates and they were all at least 2 or 3 years younger than him. But it's up to him what he does. Why should it bother me?!

Tuesday 25th June

I had an OK day today. I haven't done anything at all really. I took the day off with hay fever but no one was around at home so I just pottered about and watched television. Daytime telly is crap! I've come to that conclusion in my day of hard work, anyway.

I'm going to Alton Towers next Thursday, which should be good fun. I remember last time we went to Alton Towers. It was a really good day. I hope this one is as good. There's also a fashion show tomorrow night, which Mum has organised at school. Curl will be there and Jenny is coming and bringing Katie, her friend from the gym, who I really want to meet. She sounds like my kind of person!

Sunday 30th June

Wow, I haven't written in a while. I had a pretty boring week really. Can't say anything interesting happened. I'm absolutely knackered. I've been to Stockport today with Jenny and Mingie. I had to change his name from Mingie to Lee in my phone in case he saw it! I actually think it's a bit mean! He was so nice today, I couldn't believe it. I really thought that I would be playing gooseberry all day but it was more like Jen was because we really did get on so well. I've never met anyone like him. He's so sweet and funny and kind and such a gentleman. He was telling me all about his "career" in football! We were really getting on well but I didn't want to steal him away from Jen but I guess it's not like she likes him anyway. I can't decide if I do or not. I really didn't have any strong feelings either way before today but he was just so nice and generous and he bought me lunch and paid for me to go bowling. I just felt that he treated me like I would love to be treated. I think I've fallen for him. I know I'm still unsure as to how I feel at this point but I can see it now. In the future, I mean, me really liking him.

Monday 1st July

I saw Lee again today. He met Jen and me at the roundabout and walked us home. I really like him. Why can't I stop looking at him in "that way"? I don't want to like him, I know I'll just end up getting hurt but now I feel like this how do I get rid of it? It's so hard. He came round after he'd walked Jen home and I really wanted Mum and Hannah to have gone out. Not because anything would have happened but just so I could be with him without feeling under pressure at all. God, I've really fallen for him haven't I? And to go and bloody make things worse, he's going to ask Jen out on Wednesday. And I know that she'll say yes, I just know it. I know she doesn't act like she's interested in him but she always keeps her feelings bottled up and I know she'll say yes. I can feel it now, that's really going to hurt, isn't it? I'll just have to cope though. I can't do this to Jenny; its not fair on her. What am I going to do?

Tuesday 2nd July

What a crappy day! I've been pining for Lee all day. Oh my God, what am I saying? Ok so that's a little untrue. How can I be pining for him? But I do want him. A lot. I just want to be with him. Oh I don't know maybe I've just convinced myself I like him because I'm jealous that Jenny might have a boyfriend and I won't. But that's so petty. And I like Jenny, why would I want to stop her being happy? But I'm not jealous of her. I'm jealous of her because Lee likes her but that's all. But what I don't know is, if it's him I want or just someone to treat me well, like he does Jen? Bloody hell this is hard. And now she knows how I feel which makes it worse. She kind of guessed so I just admitted it to her. I might as well face it but it's still hard. But now she knows she doesn't want to go out with him because it will hurt me. But what do I say to that? I don't want her to go out with him either but I don't want them to be unhappy because of me. I don't know what to say to her. I wish I could get a grip though; I'm getting so worked up over a boy. When you look on this situation you just think how stupid!

My favourite quote:

"The greatest thing you can ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return"br>

But is it? I have loved people in the past but I've never felt like this. I've fallen for him so badly. What am I going to do?

8.00pm

Lee just came round. I decided I don't want him to know about how I feel. I think it will just make things worse if he finds out. Whether Jen will tell him or not I don't know but it's out of my power now. I'm going to try to get over it. I want Jenny to be happy. And I also know that she is worth more to me than he will ever be. Yes I've fallen for him but I'm going to try and get over it no matter what it takes. I am not willing to risk losing one of my closest friends over Lee. I like him so much though - we'll see what happens.

Wednesday 3rd July

Lee knows how I feel. Well I guess it had to come out sometime.

I told Jenny she could read my diary tomorrow to try and see how I am feeling so I better be nice about her!! He he!! No that kind of defeats the whole object of it but still...she has been good to me. I have only caused a load of hassle and she has been really good about it. I don't want her to be unhappy. She told me she really liked Lee as well. Grrr! Am I being cruel by doing this? I think I am. But then again I can't help my own feelings.

9.00pm

I told Jenny she could have Lee. I don't know what happened but it just came upon me to say go for it. I'll cope. I have no choice do I? She's virtually my best friend. I want to call her my best friend but I know Curl is really. It sounds really petty I know but Carly will always, always be my best friend no matter what so I guess that makes Jen second.

Thursday 4th July

We went to Alton Towers today. I think it was ok all in all. Some of the time I felt really down and I could tell Jen did too but I didn't know what to do. I kept seeing Lee in my mind but whenever I pictured him I saw him with his arm around Jen, or kissing her or something. It made me feel terrible. But then at other times I felt amazing, especially after all the roller coasters!! I went on "Air" the new ride. It was amazing, such an experience. It made all my worries and pains go away. It was just breath-taking. Afterwards Jen persuaded me to go to her trampolining group with her, so I did. Well if I'm truthful I'd been wanting to go and see Ben Farr, her teacher! He is sooooo gorgeous! I also saw Paul, the guy who taught me on a badminton course ages ago, whilst I was there. He briefly talked to me but we didn't exactly have much to say to each other. I think Jen thinks that I feel the same way about Lee as I do about Ben and Paul. I mean I think Ben and Paul are both very nice in their own ways but I don't ever expect to go out with them or even have a chance of doing. It's like someone famous. I just think they're are attractive, not like I feel about Lee. It's completely different.

Hannah emailed me and asked me what was going on with Jen and me and whether I was ok. I ended up telling her what was going on and she was actually very understanding and supportive.


Friday 5th July

As I arrived back from my saxophone lesson tonight, Jenny and Lee came round the corner of my drive. To be honest I really didn't want to see either of them but I felt like I should really. Lee asked me where I wanted to go so we walked down to "my field". I love that place, it's like my thinking ground. I can just go and sit at the top of the hill and let the wind blow through my mind and blow out all the bad thoughts. It's so peaceful.

Anyway, we walked up to the top of the hill but no one really said anything. It was very awkward. So we started to walk Jenny home. When we walked up Ivy Lane though, there was a massive group of people across the other side of the road and they started shouting things at Jenny and I. Luckily for Jen, she lived across the road but as soon as she'd gone me and Lee walked as fast as we could up to the top of the road and then sprinted around the corner. I was running so fast it felt like I was flying but then Lee grabbed me and I stopped. Once we'd turned another corner we stopped for a minute and then started walking really slowly to nowhere in particular. Eventually he said:

"What are we going to do?"

I just looked at him blankly. I knew one of us had to mention it but I really wanted it to be me. I wanted to apologise but I didn't know what I was sorry for. I can't help my own feelings. Nothing happened tonight between Lee and me. I wished with all my heart that it would but it just couldn't. As we walked back though, he admitted he was actually considering going out with me, which shocked me. I really wasn't thinking that would be an option to be honest. I just presumed it would be Jen or no one at all but no, I was wrong. A lot of the time, he just talked and talked about not very much at all. Just going over the same things, again and again. I didn't, and couldn't, say anything. I thought that if I said anything, I would cry. Why do I always cry? It makes me so mad sometimes. Why can't I just pretend nothing's wrong for a change? When we eventually arrived back at my house, Lee gave me a big hug. I just melted into his arms. It felt so right - I wanted him so much. In the end, I ended up just walking inside, trying desperately not to cry, again.

I emailed Hannah again and told her what happened tonight. I told her that Lee said he wished he could go out with both Jen and me. Hannah said she thought it was really dodgy and that probably meant that he would cheat on people in the future. I don't know. It's a fair point but I don't think he would. He's just not the type. He's too nice!

Sunday 7th July

I slept at Jen's last night. It was ok, I guess. I know she wanted to sort this Lee thing out but she never opens up and shows her feelings. There were a few awkward moments but I think generally we had a good time. I told her some stuff about what happened on Friday night but really there wasn't that much to tell. She texted Lee quite a lot, I briefly spoke to him but not much. We arranged to meet though when I was on my way home from Jen's. I didn't see him until I got to just past the alleyway when I was virtually home. We went to sit on the hill by the alley and we talked for a while about everything. In the end I told him to choose between Jen and me because I can't just sit around and not let anything happen and progress. He said he didn't want to but he knew he had to and he would let me know what he had decided soon. We hugged again, and again it made my heart melt, and then I went home.

Later on at about 8 o'clock he rang me on the house phone and told me he'd decided to pick Jen. I honestly did know he would. And come on, I mean who would blame him. When he rang I knew that's what he would say. He was so apologetic and he cried and said how much he liked me but it was Jen he'd liked all along. In the end I guess it was sort of ok. We were both crying. I don't know why, there wasn't really anything to cry about but I guess it was an emotional time. Certainly for me, anyway. I cried myself to sleep afterwards. I still don't know why. Again I think I was very emotional. I really like him so much. I think I love him. I'm not in love with him but I can't get over him. I can't even look at anyone else.

Wednesday 10th July

Wow, these last few days have been so eventful! I've just got back from the opening night of Blues Brothers, the musical I'm in. I'm in the band which is kind of a really crap label but it's actually really good. Despite hating being in the band, the music's good and I get on well with the people I sit near so I guess it's ok. The feeling of playing in front of people is such a buzz though. It's like there are so many people there and they're all there to see you. I can't explain it; it's just an amazing feeling. It puts you on such a high.

Wow I've just realised that I've not said anything about Lee! Maybe I'm getting over him!! I wish, it'd make my life easier! At least I'm making jokes about it; I guess that must mean something.

Friday 12th July

Just got back from Sparky, my dad's mate, and Tracey's wedding. I had to miss the last night of Blues Brothers, which was a pain, but the wedding was so beautiful. I think they make such a nice couple. It was such a nice do. I was dancing all night! At first I was a little self-conscious but then I thought the key to good dancing is being confident within yourself, in front of other people. So then I danced! I was trying to impress a guy who was there. He was really nice but I really could not stop thinking about Lee. OK the truth is, I kept imagining Lee and me getting married. I couldn't stop myself. I know it was a really stupid thought and everything but I couldn't help it. I think I'm in love with him. Everything I do, everywhere I go I think about him. All I want is to be with him.

Saturday 13th July

I worked both shifts today so I was absolutely knackered and then I babysat. Bloody hell I'm going be ill if I keep on like this!!

Monday 15th July

Saw Lee again today with Jen. He gave me a big hug before they went home. It felt so right. I hate this whole thing. From what I've heard though, Jen isn't even interested in him. I know that if they break up Lee won't ask me out but if we're meant to be together we will be but while I'm waiting for that to be true or not, I feel like shit. It's killing me. I don't know what to do and I don't have anyone to talk to which is what I really need.

I spoke to Lee on the phone after he'd walked Jen home. He is so in love with her. And she's not even bothered about him either. Why can't he love me? Why can't I be the one he loves? I would love him back. I would appreciate him so much. I could make him happy. Why can't he see that? There must be something there for me to feel like this. No one has ever made me feel like this before. Never.

I just want to be with him.

On a lighter note (!) Holly and Jenna and the gang have asked me to go to a club in town with them on Wednesday and I do want to go but I don't want to feel left out and I really want Curl to come but I don't know if she will. We used to hang around with Holly, Jenna, Ben and David a couple of years ago but we grew apart. I feel like we're becoming closer again now though. I'm happy about that. I like spending time with them.

Wednesday 17th July

Just walked home with Jen and Lee. As soon as I'd walked around the corner, he put his arm around her. I hate this. I hate it that he feels he can't do anything while I'm there but it hurts to know they do when I'm not. Everyone's making accusations at Jen, saying that she doesn't really like him. She just likes the idea of having a boyfriend. If she likes him though, why doesn't she hold his hand or kiss him? I hate this so much. It's not fair. I love him so much.

We went for a walk around "my field" before, him and me. We had a long conversation but all he could talk about was Jen. I tried to explain how I felt to him but I couldn't find the right words to describe it. We also discussed whether he should come to the club with us later and I didn't want him to but he decided he would come. Again he gave me a hug before he went.

Then after tea, Jen and David came round to walk to Curl's before we went to the club. I mentioned that I'd seen Lee earlier on and that we were having a chat and David started going on about me having an affair with him! I wish! But I didn't say anything I just laughed it off. When we got into town, it turned out the club wasn't even open that night so we all trekked down to McDonalds - all of us being Jenny, Lee, me, Curl, David, Ben, Jenna, Holly, Leanne (David's girlfriend), Emma and Ryan (Emma's boyfriend).

David kept going on and on about Lee and I having an affair and got all the others started too. I didn't really mind because it was only a laugh but then David asked Lee and he said we were. Then it all got out of hand because everyone started to believe him. It really upset me. Despite feeling like I do, I would never do that to Jen. I can't believe people think I would. And so I got really mad with Lee because he kept going on about it as if it were true. Eventually he text me and apologised because I wouldn't talk to him. It really made me cross. But David was so apologetic about starting it. He came up and gave me a hug and kissed me on the forehead. I hope we can still be good friends when we've finished school. I love being close to David. I don't know what it is about him. I don't fancy him at all but I love being his friend and being close to him. In fact I haven't been jealous of him and Leanne at all. The first time he's had a girlfriend and I've not been jealous!

We had something to eat at McDonalds but then the others wanted to go off and get drunk but I didn't so Curl, Jen, Lee and I started to walk home. I had a really nice chat with Lee. He told me about his previous girlfriends and how he'd only been in love once. And he told me that he understood how I felt. And that I would get over it and that he hated seeing me like this and he hated himself for causing it.

I realised two things tonight.

Jen does really like Lee and she wants to make a go of things with him.

And I do stand a chance with him. No matter how small a chance it is, I do stand a chance with him. I know no matter how long I have to wait, I do have a chance. I hate all this; I know that if we're meant to be together we will be though.

Going to London tomorrow, my favourite place in the whole wide world - I need a break!

Friday 19th July

This morning when we were watching the cabaret in the drama hall, Jen broke down. I felt terrible; it brought home what this situation is doing to our friendship. I didn't really know what to do, I just hugged her. After school we went to see a film but she was dead miserable. I don't blame her really. She must be having a really hard time. I'm trying to get over Lee. I can't though. What do I do? I love him so much. But how do I get over him? For Jen's sake if for nothing else. She's asked me to go to a game fair with her and her dad and her brother. I really wasn't sure. I thought it might be awkward but in the end I said yes. I hope it goes ok. We go next Thursday.

Saturday 20th July

I worked with Jen today and then we went to hers afterwards. Lee walked with us to her house. I love him. I can't get over him. I wish someone would pick me up and throw me down a hole and maybe knock some sort of sense into me. How can I get over him? After I got home I emailed Jen:

Hi Jen
I'm sorry about everything. I wish I hadn't hurt you but I want to put it in the past and move on. I hate myself for causing so much trouble particularly between you and Lee but between everyone really. I'm really sorry I made you cry. When you were crying in the hall yesterday I realised how much I hurt myself by hurting you. You mean more to me than Lee. When I saw you crying I knew I had to move on. I don't like Lee enough to lose my friendship with you. I'm trying to move on from him all the time and I will keep on trying. I really hate myself for doing this to everyone. I don't think you should care what other people are saying about you, well in consideration I mean. I don't think Sarah and Vicky have a right to a) discuss yours and Lee's relationship and b) decide when and what you're going to do. Ignore them.

Laura x

PS Please show how you feel towards Lee. He really wants you to and you can in front of me, I don't mind.

I think it was the right thing to do.

Sunday 21st July

Lee just rang to ask me to go round to his house on Wednesday with Jen and his mate Gary. I figure I can get them to play spin the bottle or a similar game and either kiss Lee or kiss Gary and make Lee jealous. I can't wait! Oh for God's sake, what am I saying??

Got an email back off Jen:

Hi Laura! I'm glad you said what you did! And I'm sorry too and I also want to put this in the past because it's just hanging around at the minute. It wasn't you that caused all the trouble I think it was all of us so don't think its just you because it definitely isn't. It wasn't just you that made me cry I think it was everything building up I just had to let it out. You also mean more to me than Lee and that will always be true. I was holding back my feelings for Lee around you because I didn't want you to get hurt I know how much it would hurt me if it was the other way round so I'm really sorry. I will try to show my feelings more round you if that's what you want! Lots of love, Jen x

Why the bloody hell did I tell her to show her feelings around him? I didn't mean it. Damn, now I'm really cross. I'm cross at myself for saying it. I'm cross at Jenny for believing it. I'm cross at Lee for even walking into my life. But if he hadn't I couldn't have felt what I do for him. I would never know what love is. I wouldn't have these moments with him that mean more than anything else has ever done.

Tuesday 23rd July

I was meant to be going round to Lee's tomorrow but Jen isn't allowed to, so now Lee and me are going to hers to watch a film I have seen a thousand times. Why do I bother?

Why did I tell Jen to just get on with it? I feel terrible. Now they're always holding hands or something. It makes me feel horrible. Why can't he be mine? I love him.

Wednesday 24th July

Had the crappiest day ever. I went to Jen's and watched a video with Lee. I sat on my own on the sofa while they flirted and stuff together on the floor. I pretended I was asleep at one point just so I didn't have to watch them. It almost killed me. On the way home from Jen's I walked most of the way on my own but Lee caught me up and gave me a hug and asked what was wrong. I told him nothing was wrong and just walked off. He kept saying that in time it would be fine. I felt like saying it will not be bloody fine. Do you have any idea how I feel? I don't think so.

Why did I tell them to just get on with it? It hurts so much. They sat on the sofa, holding hands. And when I went out of the room to go to the toilet I could hear them kissing. I felt like crying. It hurts so much. I know he's not mine or anything but I can't help thinking that he is, in a strange way. I have never felt this way about anyone. People always say you'll know when you're in love, and I do, so much. I thought I was in love with David, my last boyfriend, and admittedly, I really, really wanted to be but if this is love then this is nothing like what I felt for him. I fancied him. I really liked him so much but not like this. I've never felt like this before. And sometimes, I never want to feel like it again.

I sent her another email:

I'm sorry I upset you but its just weird you, Lee and I all being together especially because you and Lee are really together. I don't mind being with the 2 of you at all but its just weird if it's us 3. I try but you can always tell I'm not happy or whatever. It's just very weird. I know its not Lee's fault but he doesn't seem to realise I'm there half the time and he just wants to be with you which is understandable but I still feel left out. I know you want it to be us 3 but I don't think it can work. I know you like Lee but the way I see it you're always trying to not act like boyfriend/girlfriend while I'm there. I don't know what to say really because I've just gabbled on but I guess I'll see you tomorrow. I realised what I want though. But I can't have it. I want it to be like it used to be. I want it to be me and you instead of it being me, you and Lee. I want Lee never to have turned up on the scene. I wish I'd never gone to the Rose Queen. That's where it came from. I always was amazed that at Gawsworth I always seemed to meet nice lads but what it really was, was that I always used to meet trouble. I remember when I went out with Daniel. The time we had together, just him and me was great but all the other time it was just trouble. I don't know what else I can say. But hey, I'll see you tomorrow and we'll have a good weekend. Can't wait.
Laura x

I've found that Jenny is easier to talk to through email; she lets her feelings out more. She sent this back:

Hi, I went to the supermarket and saw your mum and sister! Yes, you have upset me but not half as much as I can have upset you. I agree it's weird but I don't know what to do because I want to include you but I know that in a way you want to be included but in a way you don't but if I don't include you I know that you will probably be offended and I also don't want that. I know he doesn't seem to realise that you are upset, well he does and he cares that's why he is always asking what's wrong. I know you feel left out but I don't know what to do to include you more. Any ideas?! Yes I do try not to act so boyfriend/girlfriend-y with him just because I don't want to upset you more. I can kind of see what you mean about Gawsworth and I also want it in a way to be like it used to but I'm glad Lee turned up in a way even though he's upset us all. If life were perfect then well life would be better. I don't really know what I want, I want me and you to be like we used to but with Lee on the scene as well and I know that so long as I am going out with him then it won't be like that and I know I will go on and on hurting you so long as I am with him I really don't know what to say or do and at the minute it seems that nothing I do is right, everything I do or say is wrong. I want to make this all better but I don't know how and I don't think I can do. Yes we'll have a good weekend and I think that even if it is just for the 3 days we should try and put it behind us and just have a great time. Write back love Jen xxx

Thursday 25th July

Went camping today. I'm in the tent now, trying to get to sleep. Had an OK day really. We arrived here about four hours ago. It took about five hours in the car and then we had to queue for ages to get into the campsite but we're fine now. Jen and I put up the tent, which was a laugh! On the way down here, she gave me a CD as a "sorry" present. I thought it was really sweet. I think I'm actually having quite a good time! After tea, we went for a walk around the field. We talked about some stuff but we both know there's nothing much more to say really. We both know how the other one feels about the situation and Lee so what's the use us keep talking about it? As soon as we had got into bed though, he rang. Well they've been texting each other all day. Jen's got two phones, which she carries round and one or other of them is constantly being used to contact him. So he was on the phone to Jen for about an hour and a half. I was a bit pissed off because what was I meant to do? Just sit around doing nothing? And actually I was trying to get to sleep. OK if I'm honest the thing that pissed me off was that he didn't want to talk to me. He wants Jen. Why can't I get over that though? I know it.

Friday 26th July

We went to the actual game fair today. It was really good. It reminded me of the sort of shows Dad goes to with his car. But it was really big too. I bought some bits and bobs, mainly presents and some yummy fudge too! Jen has been constantly on her phone to Lee all day again. What am I meant to do when she's on the phone all the time? It's really annoying. I really want to talk to him though. I want him to ring me up and see how I'm doing, just to check I'm all right. It's not fair. I really miss him. We've been here less than 2 days but it's true, I really miss him. In fact whenever I'm apart from him I miss him. I'd rather spend time with him and Jen together than not at all. I've arranged with him though, that we are going shopping on Sunday for Jen's birthday presents. Just him and me. I can't wait.

The most embarrassing thing happened when we got back to the tent after the game fair! Jen and I got back first so we pulled our beds out of the tent and laid them out on the grass to sunbathe on. It was such a nice day today, really hot. We put on shorts and I had my bikini top on too. I was trying to do my top up properly as I went into the tent to find some sun cream when it came right off!! I was so embarrassed, I'm sure her brother and her dad saw me! Jen thought it was hilarious though!

Saturday 27th July

We travelled all the way home from the game fair today. It was a long journey and Lee kept ringing Jenny, all the way home. I was feeling really down. I think Jenny's dad might have noticed. What can I do? I can't help it. I think he was getting fed up with her for being on the phone all the time and I can't really blame him. Her and Lee spend far more time on the phone than they do together. They are constantly texting or ringing each other.

When I got home I watched TV for a while and then sunbathed, it was a really nice day, today. Shame I had to be stuck in the car for most of it. I keep listening to the CD that Jen made for me. All the songs remind me of Lee. Sometimes, I really hate the way songs can relate to the way you feel but sometimes it really helps. I want to find a song that can console the way I feel. That understands my situation and helps me to sort it out. But there isn't one. It feels like there isn't anyone who has ever been in this situation before. Of course there has, loads of people. But no one I know. I want to talk to someone about it. I want someone to tell me what to do. All my friends are away. The worst thing about this is not being able to talk to anyone about it.

There is a song on the CD that is about everything being ok, and what you want to finally be happening. I dream about Lee and I having a picnic on the top of the hill in my field, and that song runs through my head. I dream about us spending the night there together, and I just lie there in his arms, looking at the stars. And then my time has finally come. And I know that Jen doesn't hate me. I know she is ok with it all. I know that we are still good friends. But things are how I want them to be.

Sunday 28th July

Lee and I went shopping together today, just the two of us. I met him after he'd finished work and we walked to his grandparent's house. He quickly got changed while I had to talk to his grandma. She seemed really nice actually. They gave us a lift to the station and then we caught the train. On the train Lee kept hugging me, which felt really nice. He was only being kind; I wish he really liked me. Whilst we were shopping I dragged him all the girly shops and he made me go into the sports shops and go with him whilst he bought a new phone. After we'd bought some presents, we went to get some lunch and again he paid for me. He is such a gentleman. We were having a laugh for ages because some girl who was still drunk from the night before was rubbing up against him whilst he was in the queue for some food! But we had to go home so he rang the train station to find out the times and we went there. On the way there he made a joke about me and I pretended to be cross so he came running after me and said:

"Don't be silly, baby, I love you"

OK now that is weird. Well not weird but well, strange considering he is going out with Jen. Does he find it weird too, that all three of us seem to hang out together? Maybe he sort of sees me as a substitute Jenny. I don't know.

On the way home, on the train, he asked how many people I had kissed, been out with and slept with. I answered honestly but when I asked him he didn't seem very keen to answer, he kept avoiding the questions. When I said I was still a virgin, he seemed really surprised and said he expected me to have had sex with someone. I presume he has but who knows really. The rest of the way, he hugged me again which seemed sort of like we were a couple even though I knew we obviously weren't. He really confuses me sometimes.

Monday 29th July - Jen's Birthday

Jen went to Chester today with her family. So despite me not seeing her, I also didn't see her and Lee together.

Tuesday 30th July

I went swimming with Jen today. All she talked about was Lee. I wanted to talk
about him to but not with her. Not about how much Jen liked him and how well it
was all going. She told me that last night they had stayed awake until three o'clock,
talking about how in love with each other they were and where the relationship was
going. Jen said they talked a lot about sex and if it was vital in their relationship. If
they sleep together it will break my heart. I already feel like this but, oh God; I can't
bear to think about it.

Thursday 1st August

I can't wait for October to come around. I know it sounds weird, I mean it's just come to summer but everything good is happening in October. Going away for a week to Center Parcs and I can't wait!

Still missing Lee, with every bit of my heart.

Sunday 4th August

Not much to say really. I know I've not written in a while. Not done much at all. Just moped about for a few days. Not seen Lee for a week. A whole week! He's like a drug; I need to keep getting hits. I wonder if all this is getting a little unhealthy for me. It's like I'm addicted to him, I need him all the time. I'm obsessed. Or is it possessed? Or maybe both...ok now I'm slightly concerned about my sanity!!

Really, really missing Lee.

Monday 5th August

Do you know what happened today?

Well it was Jen's birthday party first, Curl, Jen, Katie and I had a good time. We watched a video and then had some tea and then Katie and me had a really funny time ripping things out of magazines. And then we had a picture of Robbie Williams and we were ripping off his chest hair with cello tape! It was very, very funny!

At about 8 o'clock Jen and Lee arrived on my doorstep and asked me to "go out" with them. We, as always, walked up to "my field". It's starting to get me cross that we always go there, it's my field, not theirs. But it felt like a really nice evening, we were laughing and joking in the field, and for once I didn't feel like I was playing gooseberry and I didn't feel like Lee wasn't mine. I was, for a change, having a good time. But obviously, Jenny had to go home. So we traipsed down to her house and as we stood on the corner I got cross. Well not really cross, more jealous. I was in love with him and they were stood there rubbing it in my face. I felt so hurt. So I started to walk back up the road, home, when Lee ran and caught me up. We were just laughing and joking around and we started "forehead wrestling" which is our little thing we do. And Lee stuck out his tongue and licked the end of my nose! So I leaned over and licked just below his ear. It was so funny. We were having so much fun. And then Lee told me to stick the end of my tongue out, so I did. He then stuck out his tongue out and touched the end of my tongue with his! I didn't know what to think. My heart was beating so hard. I was sure he could hear it. But we were having fun. I hadn't had fun in weeks; this whole thing has made me so depressed and lonely that I didn't think fun was possible. So anyway, Lee and I carried on walking to the end of the road into a little wood, where Lee walked round inside and took me with him. We stood in a little clearing for a few minutes, talking. Then he asked for a hug so I gave him one. I suddenly thought, what if I say I've not been kissed in ages, what will he do? Will he kiss me? It was worth a try. I had been waiting weeks for this; I couldn't just let a chance like this pass. So I told Lee that no one had kissed me in a while.

"Aw" he said. And leant over and puckered up. It was only a friendly kiss, it meant nothing to him, but to me it meant the world. It wasn't even a proper kiss. Just a little peck on the lips but I was floating in the air. I was so happy - I just couldn't help it. We were laughing and joking about having sex. Just messing around but he suggested we sleep together on the floor of the wood. I just laughed in his face and said

"It's a bit hard isn't it?"
"Is that how you like it? Hard?"
"Of course, I wouldn't like it any other way!!"

We were just laughing at each other about nothing really. But there was something there. He kept leaning over and pecking at my lips, he wouldn't do that for no reason would he? To him, I'm sure it was nothing but to me it meant everything.

"Do you really want to have sex?" he asked. I still thought he was messing around. I went along with it.

"Yeah, of course."
"Ok, well we've got loads of time yet before you have to go home, let's go to mine."
he said, grabbing my hand and starting to run up Kendal Road. I was so out of breath, he was running so fast but still neither of us could stop laughing. I didn't even know what was so funny anymore. We came to the alley near to my house and I looked at my watch. I didn't have enough time to go to his house.

"I can't go to your house, I've got to go in soon."
"Ok then, we can do it here then."
"Ok then, why not?" I was still messing around and I presumed he was too. But he stood there and undid his trousers.

"You said you liked it hard, is this hard enough for you?" I just stood there and laughed. I didn't know what else to do. Should I do anything or not? This was what I always wanted and now I was being offered it and I didn't know anymore. Yes, I wanted to sleep with him but not in an alley while he was seeing my best friend. I couldn't.

"Well? Ok we don't have to if you don't want to. We can just stand here for a bit and talk." So we stood but no one said anything. I think we both just realised what had happened. He put his arms around me and we stood in a gateway in an alley hugging for ages. Neither of us wanted to break the silence but eventually he leaned over and puckered up again. It was like none of the serious stuff had happened and we were just messing around again. He kissed me again. But we stood there again in an uncomfortable silence for a bit longer which seemed like an age and then Lee leant over and whispered to me,

"Have you ever noticed how in films people always seem to just be able to kiss each other but it never happens like that in real life?"

"Er...yeah I guess."

And he leaned over and kissed me properly this time. And it really meant something. It wasn't just messing around; it meant something to both of us. And despite knowing that we were both doing the wrong thing I couldn't stop thinking that he'd kissed me.

"Do you want to?"

"I don't know...I want...I can't" I really didn't know what to do. I had waited and waited for this. I had been through weeks of hell because of him. I had let Jen and him get on with it and hurt me so badly. I had been so upset. And when my chance came I blew it because of my friendship. I knew deep down I had done the right thing. He hugged me for a while and then suddenly started apologising loads and crying saying he couldn't believe he'd done it to Jen. I started to walk home but he followed me and pulled me back, hugging me again and saying how sorry he was. He then broke down in tears on the footpath. I just walked inside and said goodnight and went to bed. That's where I am now. And I can't sleep. I feel so guilty. I feel terrible for what I've done to Jenny. She was a good friend to me. The thing is I don't know how she'll react to this. Will she hate me? Or will she forgive us both? I just don't know. Lee rang me as soon as I got in, I think Dad sussed something was going on. I guess it is. Lee kept saying that he didn't know what to do, should he tell her? I told him we had to tell her but he was still unsure. I don't want to tell her but we have to. I've acted terribly but I know this is the right thing to do. Telling Jenny might hurt her a lot but she'll hurt more if she finds out in 6 months time. Anyway I can't go on being her friend and hide this from her. I told Lee that if he didn't tell her then I would. I can't live my life hiding this from her. She is my best friend apart from Curl. But how do I justify what I've done to her?

I don't know how I can think this but I just want him. I think what happened tonight has proved to me that I am willing to risk my friendship with Jenny for him. If that doesn't show my love for him, I don't know what does. Despite hating myself for doing this to Jenny, I still wish I had gone further; it might have been my only chance with him. But surely he must have some feelings for me if he kissed me. You don't just kiss someone in the heat of the moment - it comes from the heart. I want him to love me. If I'm completely honest I want Jenny to forgive me and not him, or to forgive him but only want to be his friend. I can't believe I am saying this. Is this what love does to you? Make you manipulative and out for only yourself. It makes me feel terrible but I want him so much, it feels like we are meant to be together. I believe love is the strongest power in the whole world, if you don't have love you don't have anything. Love controls everything. I guess more than anything, feeling like this towards Lee has backed up my views about finding someone you want to spend the rest of your life with and each person being for one other person. He must be my soul mate. I can't feel like this for nothing. It can't all be some mean trick played on me. There must be something there, I know he loves Jen but he must have some feelings for me. He didn't kiss me for nothing. He can't have just done it in the heat of the moment. You do think about what you're doing, it doesn't just pass you by.

I'm going to try and get to sleep now...


Tuesday 6th August

I didn't get any sleep last night; I lay awake all night long feeling incredibly weird. I felt guilty and I knew what I'd done was wrong but I couldn't figure out why I felt so bad. I know now that what I did was wrong but I also know that for Jen it's both of us or neither of us. I am so scared that she will forgive Lee and not me though. I want him for me, I love him. I want him so much. I just want to be with him. But at the same time, I don't want to lose Jen; she's a great friend to me. She has always been there for me; I still want her there. But the thing is, I think, that I'm scared as to how she will react. I've never screwed over any of my friends like this before. I know how Vicky would react. She'd blow her top at me. But then again I don't care about Vicky as much as I care about Jenny. Sure I'd be losing a good friend but in the long term, it's not like we're that close and I never see her out of school anyway. I know how Curl would react. But then again, I would make such an effort to make it up with her and I think she'd appreciate that. But it's Jenny and I've never done anything like this before to anyone. I'm just so scared and I don't really know what of. I don't want her to hate me. I feel so incredibly scared though and I don't know why.

I got up at 7am this morning and went and sat in the field. It helped to clear my head a bit I think. I sat on top of the pillar for ages, just thinking and letting the wind blow. I wanted to stay there forever, never have to go anywhere else or see anyone again. On the way back, I went into the alley again. I just sat in the gateway and cried. I must have sat there for quite a while because when I got home it was nearly lunchtime. As soon as I got back, Lee rang. I died when it was him; I just wanted to hear his voice again. He wanted to know what I thought we should do. As I told him last night, we have to tell her. He wants to tell her, which I said he can do but he has to before I go away on Thursday. I can't go away for 2 whole weeks without Jenny knowing, imagine the guilt! He said that last night Jenny rang him and told him she was in love with him. He said he doesn't know if it's the right thing to tell her. Should we spare her feelings and not tell her? I don't know...I think we should tell her but he does have a point. How could this happen?

They came round before. Both of them; acting all lovey-dovey and generally making me sick. I can't believe Lee sometimes. I know I love him and I love him so, so much it hurts but sometimes he can be so irresponsible. I tried to act as if nothing was wrong in front of Jen but I couldn't. She knew something was wrong. I felt terrible. I wanted to tell her so much but I thought I should let him after he said he wanted to. I nearly blurted it out but I kept quiet. I was nearly crying. I didn't know what else to do.

Afterwards Lee walked me home. Well I say home, he walked me to the alleyway. He said he couldn't bear to walk down the alley. It is less than a day since it happened and yet it seems like almost a lifetime ago. When he left me, he gave me a big hug and told me to meet lots of nice lads on holiday. I told him I didn't want to. I wasn't sure if he knew I was in love with him or not. For a second he seemed like he was going to kiss me again. He leant in towards my face when he was hugging me, we nearly bumped heads, but then he leant back out again and the moment was over. I wanted so much to tell him that I loved him. That I dreamed of the day we could be together without hurting Jen. But I didn't. It just didn't feel like the right time, which is a pretty lame excuse seeing as, as long as he's going out with Jen; it'll always be the wrong time. I just wanted to tell him before I went away so he had time to think over what I'd said.

I am going to Curl's in a bit. I'm still not sure whether to tell her or not but I need to talk to someone about it because it's killing me.

Wednesday 7th August

Just got back from Curl's. I told her about everything. She truly is my best friend. It really helped to tell her about it. Lee rang up whilst I was there, and I let him speak to Curl for a bit.

I'm starting to get cross with him. He won't tell Jen. I keep threatening to but then he says he will. I've told him he has to tell her before I go away (tomorrow) because I can't go for two weeks, without her being told. I think I'll just be relieved when she knows now. I'll deal with her reaction later but all this waiting is driving me mad. I feel like I'm going to throw up I'm so worried!

I don't know what to do. I go on the Internet to talk to Jen so I know what she's doing and that she's not with Lee. I still want Lee for my own. I just want it to be me and him. Forever and ever. Like I've dreamed. And like it should be. When I get back thing's should be sorted. I hope to God they are. I'm going out of my mind, not knowing what to do. I just need to know that Jen knows. I'll deal with her reactions later but I just need to know that she knows, now.

Thursday 8th August

Lee told Jen at 10 o'clock last night. He rang me straight after and told me exactly what happened. He was very kind and considerate towards me. I love him. I love him so much. It was nearly 11.30 when Jen rang me. She was crying which made me cry! I really felt for her. But she forgave me. She said she never wanted to lose me and that I was a great friend to her. That really hit home. It made me feel really bad. But I can't and won't ever regret that this happened. Because once I regret it, I will wish it never happened. And despite the consequences, I will never ever wish it hadn't happened. If it hadn't have happened, I wouldn't have had my half hour of true bliss. I would never have experienced what it feels like to love and be loved back. Just for a short period of time. But that was the best period of time, I could ever have experienced. If I die tomorrow at least I will know what it feels like to be loved. I will have had that experience in my life.

I am sat in the airport at the moment, feeling very tired. I have to admit I'm feeling a lot better that yesterday. I'm still counting the days until I'm back again though. 14 days until I'm back with Lee. 9 days until Jenny goes away. What are they going to do whilst I'm not there? What if something happens and they don't tell me? God, I'm going mad! Is this getting a little obsessive? I love him so much, but I can stand 14 days without him, can't I? Am I in that deep? What am I going to do?

Seeing as I'm away I won't be writing in here very much for the next two weeks! Hoping to relax a bit, because I'm going to have a heart attack if I don't de-stress!

Saturday 17th August

Jen goes away today. At least she's not with Lee, even if I'm not. Is that really bitchy? I don't know.

I'm having an ok time. I've relaxed a bit and it's beautiful around here but I'm still missing Lee. Every time a love song comes on the radio it makes me think about him. I can't wait until I'm back home. 9 whole days with him. All alone with him. I know nothing will happen this time but at least if he tries it I will know that he truly likes me. And then we can try and sort things out between us.

Friday 23rd August

Just got back from the airport. To be honest it was a good holiday. I think I needed a break! When I got home, I had several text messages on my phone. Some off Hannah, asking how things were with Lee and Jen and me. I sent her email, telling her exactly what happened between me and Lee. As soon as I'd sent it I really regretted it. It's for Jenny to decide who gets told, isn't it? We hurt her so it's her choice about what happens. Anyway I told Hannah not to tell anybody because it wasn't fair on Jenny, so hopefully she won't. The 9 days of bliss start here!

Saturday 24th August

Lee rang me last night to see if I'd had a nice holiday and to welcome me back! I thought it was so sweet of him. It felt so good to hear his voice again. I pictured him at the other end of the phone, smiling into it. How good it is to be back!

I'm really bored. Hannah's got some friends staying over so we're watching a film. I texted Lee and asked him to come round and watch it with us but he didn't reply. Every time the phone rings, I jump up hoping it will be him but it never is.

Monday 26th August

So much for my 9 days alone with Lee. I haven't seen him at all and whenever I try and contact him I can't get through. It's not fair.

Tuesday 27th August

I saw Lee today. I went into where he works for 5 minutes just to see him. He didn't say that much really. I didn't ask how things between him and Jen were because I thought that if he wanted to tell me, he would. He told me about a club he went to and how there were some really nice girls there but how I wasn't to tell Jen. I don't care, I'm just glad I've seen him again. He said he would ring me later.

Thursday 29th August

I went to a nature trail thingy today. I had a really good day actually. It was the first time in weeks that I've been able to have fun without Lee. He didn't ring me on Tuesday night. I really don't know what it is I want anymore. I don't know. Should I just sit back and let them get on with it? But it would hurt me so much. Do I even have a choice? The thing is I'm tempted to think that he doesn't want to see me because he can't trust himself with me. It's probably not true but if it is then does that mean he wants me? God, I'm so confused.

Saturday 30th August

Jen got back today. Well so much for my week alone with Lee! I've seen him once and that's only because I turned up on his doorstep!

I went to work and when I got home I had a text message off Lee. It said:

"Hi, how are you? Have you spoken to Jen? Do you know what's up with her because she's acting all weird? Love Lee x x x"

I thought that I wouldn't reply because all week I've been trying to get in touch with him and see him and he's not tried at all so I'll just leave it but he rang the house phone and started asking me stuff. He started going on about Jen and what was up with her and in the end I told him to piss off. I don't know why. Well I do, and I don't. I think he was a bit shocked. I mean, I love him so much and I want him for me and everything but all week he's just ignored me and now Jen's back he suddenly wants to talk to me again. It doesn't work like that.

I can't work out if I'm still in love with him. I mean I want him so much still, but sometimes he really pisses me off. Like with this. Or when he wouldn't tell Jen and I had to make him. Does this mean I'm not in love with him anymore? When you're in love with someone aren't you meant to not see the bad in them? Or are you just meant to accept it as part of them and who they are. Because I accept it as part of Lee and I even love it about him sometimes but he can still annoy me.

But then there's a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone. I love my friends and family but I'm not in love with them, obviously. But with Lee it's different than it ever has been with anyone else. No one has ever made me feel so good about myself yet so bad at the same time. I sometimes wonder if it's just teenage infatuation. I don't think infatuation would make me feel like this though. Who knows? The way love works is not simple!

Sunday 1st September

I saw Jen today. We went into town together and got whistled at by the builders! It was so embarrassing! Anyway, she saw Lee yesterday but she said nothing has really been different between them or changed since "that night". We had fun actually! I went back to hers for a bit afterwards too, before coming home. Whilst we were out she gave me a letter that she had written for me when she was away.


I know what happened with you and Lee, shouldn't have happened but it did and it's in the past and can't be changed, even though I wish it could but you can't change the past. I guess in a way it was pay-back for me hurting you by being with him. I'm sorry for that. All I want now is for me and you to be friends like we were before Lee was around. I also want to be with Lee. I know that it will be hard to get our friendship back to that but you are my best friend and I want it to stay that way. I don't know what you want to happen now but I want it how it was. I want to put all this behind us. When Lee told me about what happened, I was shocked because I trusted you both but it hurt me because it's my best friend and my boyfriend but I still trust you. It has just made me think what will happen with you and him while I'm away? Will something happen? I really don't know what to expect. I want to be able to trust him but I don't know if I can anymore. Sorry I had to say all this but...I'll see you soon.

Love, Jen x

Later, when I was home, I was talking to her on the Internet and she asked me exactly what happened on "that night". I wasn't entirely sure of what Lee had told her but I knew it wasn't the whole story so she said just tell me everything that happened. It turns out that Hannah had showed her the email I had sent her explaining what had happened. I don't really mind, she was going to find out anyway, it may as well have been today. I explained everything and Jen was upset and I apologised but there wasn't much else I could do. She said she would print it off and show Lee and ask his views on it.

I didn't know what to do after that. I won't find out what he says until tomorrow. I emailed my friend, Gavin and asked him if I could go on his radio show, so I did. I explained, on air, what had happened and Gav said I was awful and how could I do that to my friend which didn't make me feel any better at all. It's a good job that no one I know listens to that radio station!

Monday 2nd September

Apparently, Lee was really cross that me and Jen were still talking about all this. Jen said he was in a mood with her and said he wished he could just forget it instead of having it rubbed in his face all the time. Another act of his immaturity. This is the sort of thing that makes me wonder whether I love him or not. The way he makes me cross like this.

I was talking to Vicky on the Internet before and she said some weird things. She said that Lee had been a naughty boy and I asked why and she said she couldn't say and we had this long conversation about how she knew what had happened. I'm still not even sure she does. I can't understand how she knows either because no one I know will have told her. Argh I can't get away from it!

Wednesday 4th September

Oh my God, I am so happy. Today was one of the best days I've had in ages!

Curl, Jen and I went to an indoor water park in Stoke. When we got there it wasn't open so we went shopping for a while and then went back once it had opened. Before we even got there, I was wondering if Mark would be there. Mark, was a lifeguard there, who Curl, Vicky and I had met about a year ago. I saw him on the way in and instantly remembered his face. Once we got in there I kept looking at him and got the feeling he was looking back. He was so nice!

After a while we got chatting to him because Curl's brother lost his goggles. At first he was being a bit of a dickhead but he actually seemed really nice. Everywhere I went I got the feeling that he was looking at me. On the way out I said bye to him and winked! Ha ha! It was quite funny!

Anyway once we got home I found his number which I had from last time we met him and Jen rang him and told him about how I liked him. And he said that he liked me too! So Jen gave him my number and he rang me. He said that he really liked me and how he thought I was really attractive and asked if I had a boyfriend.

God, I am so happy! I can't believe how happy he has made me. The thing is I'm not even bothered if it's not for real. If he's just messing me around, I don't care! I just need a break from all this Lee stuff that's fucking up my brain. And it's just come at the right time! Mark said he would ring me tomorrow. I can't wait!

Thursday 5th September

Oh my God! You'll never guess what I found out today?!! Lee tried it on with Sarah, a friend of Jen's! I can't believe it! I had to get it out of her. Her and Vicky kept talking about it in a kind of code and it drove me mad. In the end I said it was vital that they told me! We all went to tell Jen and she seemed a little upset but tried to brush it off. I felt really sorry for her; it really can't be easy. I presume she will dump Lee after this. If she does then I really want to stay in contact with him. I don't want to lose him after all this. I don't know if I love him anymore, I have no idea really! But I definitely don't want to lose him.

Saturday 7th September

Went into town today with Jen, Lee and Jen's brother, Matt. Jen ended thing's with Lee whilst we were there. The whole day was very weird! As soon as I met them Jen said she was really sick of Lee. Then as we walked into town, they wanted to talk so I had to walk with Matt and then me and Jen went off on our own. After a while we met up with them again and Jen and Lee kept texting each other. Then when we were in a shop he wrote on a pad,

"I love my baby, Jenny and I only love her. Not Sarah. Not Laura, and no one else."

It really hurt actually because that's the only time he's actually said that he doesn't like me. I mean, I had just presumed he didn't but then when he kissed me I wasn't sure if he did or not but he'd never actually told me whether he did or not.

Monday 9th September

I am so mad. How can one person make you so angry?

At about 4 o'clock, Lee rang me and asked me how I would feel about getting together with him. I didn't know what to say. I said I didn't know because it would take some thinking to decide what I would do. As usual, this fucked up my head, as everything that Lee says always does. I spent all evening thinking about what he said. Not knowing what to think, or what to do or say. And then I got a phone call off Jenny. She said that Lee had been round to hers and said he really loved and wanted to give things another go. OK, so as if this wasn't enough fucking up that'd already been done, I then explained to Jen what he had said to me. And she said he had told her exactly what had been said because he wanted to prove to her that she couldn't trust me either.

I am seriously pissed off. I love him so much, I would have done anything for him and he treats me like this. And tries to split me and Jen. Trying to ruin our friendship. All he has caused me is trouble. I'd be better off without him in my life. I'm going to tell Jen, it's me or him because I am sick of him messing my head up and ruining my life.

Tuesday 10th September

Now Katie has told me that Jen's whole family think it's my fault they've broken up. She said that Lee told them all that I came on to him. God, I hate him.

I told Jen it was me or him. I know it's unfair of me but if I want to get my life back on track I have to get him out of my life. When I told her she didn't say much. She acted as if I didn't understand what she was going through with him. And she's right I don't, but she doesn't understand how I feel and why I need to do this. So now I guess she has to choose. Me or him.

I just found a poem thing that is exactly how I'm feeling. I may show Jen.

I will never know myself
Until I do this on my own
And I will never feel anything else
Until my wounds are healed
I will never be anything
Until I break away from me
I will break away
And find myself today

Wednesday 11th September

Jen says that it was unfair of me to make her choose and I agree but it's something I have to do. Her brother started having a go at me for it which I thought was a bit out of order. I told him it was none of his business. She hasn't decided though.

Thursday 12th September

I'm so proud of myself! Lee just came round and started acting all nice. Well I just stood there, and it took all of my will to do it but I did. I finally did!!

I opened the door and he started to talk straight away and I just said:

"Lee I don't care what you've got to say. Jen knows exactly where I stand with her. I can't believe you did all this to me, I really can't. You ruined my life and I hate you so just leave me alone."

I'm so proud!! I can't believe I did that. Afterwards I went upstairs and cried. I think I let a lot of stuff out. It felt good to cry and finally I felt a bit more confident about myself again.

It's really weird between Jen and I now. We never talk apart from on the Internet. I don't know if it's just me but it seems that she's so much easier to chat to behind a computer screen, or a phone or even in a letter. But then she argues much more on the Internet instead of just letting it pass. She told me that she sort of likes someone else. I didn't know what to say to that. Lee keeps telling her that he loves her. She's told him she doesn't know what to do.

Friday 13th September

Lee's just texted me telling me to start being a friend to Jen. He said that before I went away I was fine with him, after I got back I was fine with him, but now suddenly I was acting weird. And how even if I didn't like him, I shouldn't put Jen in this position. It wasn't fair. I told him to piss off.

Saturday 14th September

Mark rang me last night. It was great to hear from him. I figured it was all just a one off but it turns out he's been trying to ring me for a few days but hasn't been able to get through. He was really nice to me, said he really liked me, and hoped we could meet up. I think I like him but I'm not sure. It's awkward. Maybe it's too soon after this whole Lee thing to start seeing someone else. Maybe I need to sort myself out first. I sent Jen an email after I got back from work because I didn't know what else to do.
Hi
I don't honestly know what to say really. I don't even know why I'm emailing you. my life sucks but hey....I worked today and Chris was horrible to me. Hmmm....I was talking to Hannah. She was trying to make me feel better and saying that if our friendship was real then it would last. I agreed. It should last. I guess what I'm trying to say is that even if you stay with him or whatever if you come to me in say a month I'm not going to say piss off I will still be there for you when you need it most. I just can't stay around and pretend everything is alright when it's clearly not. I take it you know that Lee texted me last night. He said that I was being unfair to you and I shouldn't make you choose and that he couldn't understand why I hated him because before I went away I was fine and when I got back I was fine but now I'm not. He said if I was a real friend I wouldn't make you choose. I'm not though, that's the thing that gets me...I'm not making you choose. I'm telling you what I'm doing. I don't mind if you choose him I will
still be there for you but I can't be right now. I'm not exactly happy with what I'm doing but i think that its the right thing otherwise I wouldn't do it. Hmmm....I don't know what else to say. What did you do today? What are you doing tomorrow? By the way I told Lee to fuck off. I went and sat in the field for ages today. I love
it there. I just sat on top of the pillar in the middle of the field and let the wind blow away my thoughts. It's just kind of my place and nobody else's. It's weird. I also want to say that if Lee isn't "the one" (do you know what I mean?) then I don't think you should do this to yourself. It's up to you but that's what I think. I know you like someone else. I could tell before you told me but I wont say anything. It's up to you what you do but in my opinion then if Lee was "the one" then you wouldn't be looking at other people. You wouldn't be even doubting that he wasn't what you wanted. I know he acts genuine. He always does but I think you should just look at what other people are saying. When he came round and I slammed the door in his face then he acted so nice and genuine and like he meant everything that he said that I nearly didn't say it but I knew I had to. If you have honestly listened to what everyone has said. And you really can trust him with anything and everything and you think that he is "the one" then go for it but if there is even one little doubt in your mind then I don't think you should bother. I know I'm not exactly at liberty to say. Like you said it's your life and you'll do what you want but like I said it's my life and I want to my own thing. I hope the friendship can survive. But surviving is not just pretending nothing is wrong we have to try and make this work if we want it to but I still stand by what I said. I said it cos I meant it. I think now that we probably will survive but I'm still not sure. God I'm just rambling on again! Never mind...just please bare in mind what I've said and what Curl's said and what everyone else is thinking. And I know you like someone else! Hmm..... I'm going to go now before I muck up anything else. I'll see you on Monday I guess.
Laura x
PS Mark said that he really liked me and that he has the Internet and as soon as it's sorted then he'll talk to me on it. He also said that when he had credit then he'd text me. We'll see.

Tuesday 17th September

Jen sent me this email:

Look Laura you probably don't want to hear from me but I'm going to tell you this, I'm going to get back together with Lee as it seems there is nothing for me to lose its not as if we're friends at the moment as you are ignoring me but that's your choice. I'm going to go out with him and suffer the consequences as the only thing that was stopping me isn't with me anymore so I'm going to go out with him and I've no one to blame if it goes wrong except myself. Love Jen x

So I guess that's it. She chose Lee. Did I just say that? After I claimed not to be making her choose. Doesn't matter anymore, now's my chance to get on my life again. I've got to make it work and get sorted out.

Friday 20th September

Just got off the phone to Mark! It is nearly 1am. I forgot to turn my phone off and it suddenly rang and made me leap up out of bed and trip over my hairdryer! He was as sweet and lovely as ever! And also very flirty! We sort of arranged to meet up, although no dates or times have been sorted yet! He said he will ring me again tomorrow. I can't wait, I think I really like him!

Saturday 21st September

Mark just rang again! He is so lovely! Can't wait to meet him!

Tuesday 24th September

Mark rang me before and I can't stop grinning! I am so happy! He is so sweet. He asked me to meet up again, I can't wait. I really like him. And I think he feels the same.

Friday 27th September

Mark just rang again, at a ridiculous time! I think I pissed him off a bit because I was a bit grumpy. I wish he'd ring me at a reasonable time! He told me that he couldn't wait to hold me and kiss me and just be with me. It felt good, because I think I want that too.

Sunday 29th September

I wish Mark would ring again. He said he would ring yesterday or today but he hasn't yet.

Next time he rings, I must thank him for being here for me over the past couple of weeks. If I hadn't had someone to take my mind off everything Lee related I don't think I would've coped.

Less than 2 weeks until I see Will in concert! I can't wait. Now officially counting down the days!!!

Monday 30th September

Crappy day at school again. Oh, guess what? Lee tried to hit on Vicky, no surprise there really! She said that he sent her a very crude text message. I don't know whether I should try and sort things out there or not. It just doesn't seem like it worth it.

Tuesday 1st October

Eventful day I guess. I was there for Jen and I feel quite proud of myself.

Everyone was talking about Jenny at school. She was really upset about it, and I tried my best to make her feel better. I took her away from everyone else and gave her a hug. I think it helped. Maybe, we're back on track.

Wednesday 2nd October

I think me and Jen are ok. I walked home with her, Sarah and Lee. Sarah and I completely ignored Lee the whole way. It really infuriates me the way Jenny can't see what he's really like.

As I was about to walk the other way from them, I gave Jen a big hug. I think she thought I was being weird, but I think we're back on track.

Thursday 3rd October

Oh my God!! Guess what? Sarah has won a competition to meet Will Young! You will not believe how unbelievably jealous of her I am!

Monday 7th October

I am sick of Lee. He acts like the sun shines out of his arse. And Jen does too. Everyone is getting sick of them both. She spends all her free time on the phone to him or with him. Her, Sarah and Chloe are going away in the holidays which I found out off Sarah. She doesn't tell me anything anymore. But I knew the whole thing wouldn't just disappear and it's come back a lot quicker than everyone thought it would.

On a brighter note, I can't wait to go away at half term.


Friday 18th October

Finally here at Center Parcs. I've already been swimming! I really hope that I have a good time this week, I need a break (yet again!). Mark seems to be completely ignoring me, I haven't spoken to him spoken to him since 27th September. 3 weeks ago. I don't know if I'm disappointed or not. It was always really nice to speak to him but I don't think it would have worked. I still want to talk to him though...

Monday 21st October

Carly's birthday. I bought her a concert ticket. We are going on Sunday. Should be quite good. It's nice now that she's at Center Parcs too. Now I have someone to talk to.

Mum bought me a new coat and some phone credit because Hannah's doing lots of activities this week. I decided to text Mark but had no reply.

Tuesday 22nd October

Did this Water Aerobics thing this morning. Had to get up very early! It was very funny! Hannah kept sinking!

Thursday 24th October

Went out for a big meal as it is the last night here. Afterwards, me, Curl, Hannah - my sister, Jenna - Curl's sister, and Kayleigh - my sister's friend, went back to Curl and Jenna's villa and I kept ringing Mark until he finally started talking to me. We had an argument because he said that I didn't care about him, and thought he was only after one thing, and he put the phone down and every time I tried to ring back he didn't answer. So I sent him a text message saying that if I thought he was only after one thing and didn't like him, why was trying to sort this out and make up with him. And then he rang me back and apologised. And we had a long chat about things, including Lee which I explained about. We decided to meet up at Water World on Monday.

Friday 25th October

On the way home from Center Parcs, Mark rang me again! It was nice to speak to him. I didn't talk for long because my signal kept going but we are definitely meeting up at Water World on Monday. I'm quite nervous actually!

Sunday 27th October

I have been trying to contact Mark but haven't been able to. Well, Jen and I, are going to Water World tomorrow whether he shows up or not. He said that he'll be working until lunch time but afterwards he'll come for a swim with us. We'll see what happens.

Monday 28th October

So...he didn't show up. I guess that's that then. When we got there, and realised that he wasn't there, Jen rang him to see where he was and he was still in bed. He was really rude to us on the phone and put it down on us. And then when I rang back he didn't answer. He was such a bastard!

Wednesday 30th October

I felt really happy today but I'm not sure why. My friend, David, is having a house party for his birthday - 20th November, although it will be the Saturday afterwards. He asked me to have sex with him at the party. I don't know. Should be a good night though.

Jen rang Mark last night to tell him he was being a complete and utter bastard. Apparently, he was upset about Monday. He apologised to her and said he will ring me later and check I'm ok and apologise to me. I'd like to see what he's got to say for himself really. Might make him grovel!

Thursday 31st October

So...Mark rang. He apologised profusely, several times. He said that he was meant to be working on Monday but they rang him at the last minute to tell him he wasn't needed. All he kept saying was sorry, over and over again. I guess I forgive him but I really don't think this is going to work anymore. I don't even think that I like him like that. Since Lee, I'm finding it really hard to trust people. And because Mark lives so far away, it's making it really awkward. It feels like I need to know where he is all the time. And it just can't work like that. He's made me so much more confident though. I think the whole Lee thing shattered any confidence I had.

Wednesday 6th November

Jen and Lee have split up. It turns out he's been trying it on with someone else, a girl from school. I think Jen has finally flipped and realised what he's like. I just wish it hadn't happened this way. I still feel something for him. I know nothing serious could ever happen between us but I want a second chance. God, this is so weird. I want to be able to go back and change things but I can't.

Tuesday 12th November

I'm still trying to convince Jen that Lee is not what she wants. I guess she just can't see what he's really like.

Talking to Jen about it keeps bringing my feelings for Lee back up again. I don't want him anymore but it still hurts a lot. I was always convinced I was in love with him, then I looked back and thought it was infatuation but now I know it was love. And I look back and think what it did to me, and how horrible it felt and I think maybe love isn't so great after all. Out of all my friends, the ones with boyfriends are the ones with problems.

Thursday 14th November

Just got back from playing my saxophone in a concert. It was excellent. I love playing in front of people.

Friday 15th November

I've just heard the most beautiful song ever on the radio. It made me cry. It describes exactly how I felt for Lee.


Saturday 23rd November - David's Party

Just got in from David's party! It is 3.30am! God, it was so good, I enjoyed myself so much! I want to write down what happened so I don't forget what a good evening I had.

First if all Hannah came to my house to get ready and then we walked round to David's. When we got there we went into the living room and started dancing and having fun. Most people had lots to drink so I had quite a bit of other people's. I got a bit tipsy! So we went upstairs and David came up to me and just starting kissing me! No surprise really, I always end up kissing him! But then people started throwing up and it made me feel sick! So I went up to David's room for a bit to cool off and try and feel a bit better. Eventually, when some people had gone home, I went back downstairs again and started dancing and having a good time again! I ended up kissing David again! After a while, he started to kick people out and it ended up being me, Carly, Jenny, Hannah, Holly, Jenna, Ben, Nicola and David who stayed to clean up. But then we ended up having a little party of our own and played a drinking/stripping game! I didn't take anything off though! Good job! Then everyone kept saying Ben had never kissed anyone, so he ended up kissing me too! It was very funny! Aw he's so cute sometimes! And then to top the evening off and make me laugh even more, David came running downstairs and did the Full Monty! It was so, so funny! He took off everything and it was so funny, and I think he was little embarrassed. But by that time it was about 3 o'clock in the morning so Hannah, Jenny, Curl and I had to go. We walked Curl home and the other two are at mine. God, I've just had the best night! It was so funny!

Tuesday 26th November

I thought I fancied David again after his party but I don't. I think I just like the attention or something. Whenever I end up kissing him, I always think I fancy him afterwards but I don't really. Or something like that!

Sunday 1st December

The other day, I told Jenny that I was still in love with Lee, in the heat of an argument. I later took it back but now I'm concerned it might be true. I still, even now, can't stop thinking about what happened and what could've happened. The thing is I can't find closure of the whole thing. But was it ever even open? I can't let myself, let go. It's always there at the back of my mind.

Wednesday 4th December

I'm on study leave this week as we've got all our mock exams.

Wednesday 11th December

Jenny told me that she is over Lee. It is finally over. Maybe I can get on with my life now.

Thursday 12th December

Curl and I went shopping in Manchester today because it was Consultation Day at school. I had a good time.

Saturday 14th December

Been shopping in Stockport today with Jenny and her friend, Katie. Katie is so funny, she just makes me laugh so much. Jenny, on the other hand, was being a boring sod. She kept going on about Sarah, all the time. Anyway...on with my life.

Tuesday 17th December

Excellent night! School concert was excellent.

My birthday tomorrow! Also, it's my mock French Oral - joy of joys!

Wednesday 18th December - My Birthday

Not bad for my birthday, really. Worst thing was that I got a D in Science but I'm not that bothered, unlike 'mes parents' who wouldn't shut up about it, even though it was my birthday. I got lots of nice presents. A gorgeous ring from Curl, some clothes, and some knee boots, CDs and some other bits and bobs. I got the best thing off David! It's a mug and it's got a "potion" on to get rid of PMS. I thought it was really funny. He bought Hannah a similar one but for big boobs which was even funnier! French Oral was crap really. Well, my presentation was fine but I couldn't do the questions at all. Good job it was only a mock!

Friday 20th December

Had a really good night. Curl, Jen, Hannah and I went bowling and then came here for my birthday. We ended up playing Twister all night, which was fun.

Tuesday 31st December - New Years Eve

Just getting ready to go out for New Years Eve. Last day of 2002. I hope that 2003 might be a bit better!

Sunday 12th January

Lee's been round today while I was in Manchester. I'm so glad I wasn't in. I don't know what I would have said or done.

What am I going to do? Should I meet him again, just one last time? Would it be worth it? All I want is to say goodbye. But by meeting him would I bring it all up again? God, I don't know.

Monday 13th January

God, Jen has made me so angry. First of all she accuses me of things I haven't done and then when I confront her she turns the blame on me, saying I still love Lee. I'm so cross. Well, I'm not going to meet Lee; I'm not giving anyone the satisfaction of saying I'm still in love with him. I'm sick of people interfering in my business when it's nothing to do with them.

Tuesday 14th January

Do you know what she has done now? She told Sarah and Chloe a load of crap which I have supposedly said to her. I hate her sometimes.

Wednesday 15th January

Sorted things out with Chloe.

Friday 17th January

We've sorted it out, well sort of. We're at least speaking now! I can't be bothered arguing anymore, it just seems pointless. I think we were both wrong.

Monday 20th January

Oh my God. Lee's just been round. I could feel feelings stirring again inside me. Thankfully he didn't stay long. The weirdest thing was that I could smell his "smell". It smelt all nice and familiar again. He said he had to talk to me about something but not then so we've arranged to meet up tomorrow at 4 after school. I'm so worried. All these questions running through my head. What will happen? What will he say? What will I say? Will anything happen? God...I feel so restless. It's like it's all happening all over again.

Tuesday 21st January

Just come back from seeing Lee. Up until about 20 minutes before I met him I wasn't actually that nervous. But when I saw him again, bloody hell, the butterflies were off again! We started to walk down to the field and he just talked and talked about his day, avoiding what we were really there for. Eventually he asked me if I had ever loved him. At first I didn't know what to say but how many times have I talked to Lee about love? I said I had but didn't know if I still was. I didn't really say that much. He kept saying that he'd made the wrong choice. That he wanted me. That Jen wasn't for him. It made me feel so good about myself. We talked for a while about Jen too. Things seemed back to how they used to be. When we were in the field, we stood so close. We stood at the top of the hill, and his mouth was so near to mine. I thought, any minute now, he'll kiss me. I kind of wished he did. I wanted to kiss him. Now it was allowed, I wanted to taste his lips again. But every time one of us leaned in, the other moved outwards. It seemed like it was destined not to happen. In the end we had to start walking back so I could be home. We started to walk out of the field, and he said he had something else to ask me. He asked me for a kiss. I wanted to so much. I thought this is it, my time has finally come, what I want could finally be happening. But I was wrong. What I wanted to happen should have happened months ago. Now the smallest part of me still wanted him but not the whole of me. The difference was that I am now a stronger person. I still love him but I always will, that will never change. Once you've been in love with someone you will always love them. You won't be in love with them anymore but you will still love them. The difference now though, is that I can resist Lee. Although I love him still, I know he is not right for me and he never will be. I was hurt a lot last year but I also had the best time with him and I will always remember that. And I will always remember "that night" but too much has changed now for us to ever have anything together. I'm better to walk out now, on top.

As we parted, I said: "I don't want to see you anymore; it's too much hurt for me."

And he said:

"Remember me, won't you?"

"As if I could forget you." I said, and walked inside the house, smiling.

Hope you liked it!